My blog is about making something out of nothing. One of the most amazing ingredients that goes into making art is resistance. I encourage expressing who you are within the boundaries of your life, and learning to push those boundaries. If you are making art, you are making the world a better place for yourself and for everyone else around you.
26.3.14
Random post about relationships. Open for discussion.
Yes. I deleted this post. Honestly after I wrote it, I myself felt that it was a little judgmental. There are so many people with so many different stories I can't begin to put anybody into a box. It was on my mind off and on for the past few weeks, so I just decided… " Aja, you don't need to back this up if you feel differently about what you wrote now." So I took it down. Love you all. Thanks for helping me grow.
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You should write more often, Aja, if you have the time. It's wonderful to hear what you have to say.
ReplyDeleteI am 28 and still single because I haven't find the perfect match for me. I sometimes wonder if my expectations are too high or if there is actually something wrong with me. I don't think that porn is the main problem, I think that society tells us what the perfect man or woman is through magazine, tv or movies and that is a big problem cause that kind of perfection doesn't exist. And an other problem is that as a single woman, society (and family and friends) pressures me to settle down and start a family ready or not because the clock IS turning and because that's what I should be doing at my age. Dating id hard these times cause most of the guys are not interesting in a relationship but only in sexual relationship. So they use woman and then just move to the next one. Everything is disposable in our society, woman included and that's sad.
ReplyDeletei think you make a great point about things being disposable in our society. nothing is held very personal or sacred anymore which is a very sad truth indeed. but i wish more people (both men and women) understood that that could be changed. anyway, i just really liked your comment :)
DeleteWhile its not really that offensive, that part about porn is like saying women prefer dildos
ReplyDeleteFrom my perspective, I don't believe she is saying men "prefer" porn, but in response to what you said... some women DO "prefer" dildos. And some men DO prefer porn to real interaction. Everyone is different.
DeleteMy two cents, it seems that men and women have created two mutually exclusive cultures that are often at odds with each other. It is quite difficult to meet each other in a setting that is conducive to the beginnings of a healthy relationship. To be quite honest, my healthiest relationship came from one of the unhealthiest environments. It was pure luck. If the circles of friendship that men create intersected with the circles of friendship that women create more often, I do not think that people would have such difficulty finding proper partners. -Some Random Guy
ReplyDeleteI think you are spot on, especially re: pornography. Pornography and the expectation of sex have caused men to think that they don't need women for more than a few moments. It's a lie, but it's a lie that young men will believe. The world tells us the conquering a woman sexually is the height of our existence. Building emotional intimacy is scoffed at. I weap for my daughters, and hope that my sons will learn that there is more to a woman than her genitals.
ReplyDeleteAja, you are telling the truth in a wise way. In fact the way you say it makes me wonder if several of your family members and friends support your feelings for the truth you've so clearly identified and addressed. I am annoyed when I hear people treat old fashioned romantic dating as unimportant or beyond their grasp in a practical sense--nothing has been more fantastic for me in life than dating (and subsequently getting married to my female spouse). I agree that pornography has attacked the most satisfying and sanctified/sacred relationship there is, that many men have stopped feeling the fire and desire they otherwise could, if they would just avoid it. My lovely wife likes to remind me that she knows of women who also face similar problems and that it is a pervasive problem. For me, pornography is equal to the meanest attack on a happy family life, a free life, and a life with kids. I also cannot help but think that for many Americans, if we struggle with pornography, the best solution is to get support from family/priesthood/Bishops/clergy -- people who care about us enough to help us push through the tough stuff no matter how coated in color.
ReplyDeleteYou could also argue that is a good thing that people are waiting to settle down, as maybe its a reaction to an overwhelming epidemic of divorce amongst our parents generation. Living life is a good thing. And settling down at the right time is also a good thing. I believe things work out the way they are supposed to, and in the time that they are supposed to. Life only makes sense in retrospect. I disagree with the porn argument... women are needed ;) Dan
ReplyDeleteAja this is beautiful & I completely understand that frustration. I too feel so overwhelmed by this and its heartbreaking. Women's lobe and care is being taken advantage of in so many cases and they are being sexualized and that's it. I have 3 younger sisters and everyday am scared about how they are going to be treated because they are sweet and caring young women that don't at all deserve this treatment so often bestowed upon women.
ReplyDeleteCool blog too!
ReplyDeleteAs a guy I found this perspective interesting. However, I'm not sure that I fit in this opinion. Yes, I love women too, in fact I have always been surrounded by more women than men in my life. For the greater part of 6 years at my job (an animal hospital) I have even been the only guy working there. I also have 3 younger sisters, a stepmother, and a real mother (both great ladies). I also love art, an art college even came to me asking me to go there. Women in art are almost always symbols of beauty and emotion. Cupid and Psyche is my favorite sculpture, the beauty and emotion captured there is incredible. I do agree with a lot of what you said. Anyway, in all this time I have yet to understand most womens' interest in certain men. I despise porn, I always do my best to be respectful, people always seem to laugh around me, yet nobody has actually been interested in me. I don't actively chase any woman down, I'm not a pig, but the few women I have gotten close to always go for someone else. I hope this doesn't come across as selfish, you can only feel loneliness for so long until you start to give up on things in life. Slowly shutting down feeling unwanted and depressed, it's horrifying. But I have the animals at the hospital at least, caring for them and seeing their positive outlook at all times, even though they could be dying, helps.
ReplyDeleteI guess as much as I'd like to learn something from this, it doesn't mean much in my world. You said women have a hard time finding good men, maybe they aren't looking for them.
On a side note, every time I read the phrase "I believe", I get your song stuck in my head. Which is good, I like it.
From the time we were children it is instilled in our minds that we are here to reproduce. I understand that not all women are given this gift due to illness or disease, but even those women have a natural instinct to "mother" whether we are mothering our children, friends, family or even strangers. Sadly, not all men feel the same way. Now, don't get me wrong, there are men out there who dream of having a loving family of their own and would do anything to protect and take care of their family...To those MEN, RIGHT ON BROTHA, I'm not talking about you!! I agree that porn has somehow morphed the male's perspective of what a woman's worth truly is. How can I visually compete with a Provocative Bombshell packing "Big Assets" and willing to do things I wouldn't even dream about doing? Then I remember who I am, I love myself just as much as I love the people around me. Everyone is beautiful in my eyes, even those who have done horrible things to others, I still love you. I believe that these men who choose to have "booty calls" instead of unconditional love, are missing some of the key elements we were supposed to learn growing up. I believe every woman deserves the moon, or as I tell my friends, they deserve Jupiter or Saturn's moons (They both have over 60 of them). Only you allow the people in your life to be there...Choose wisely. You'll know if it's right.
ReplyDeleteI love you with all my heart!! AP
I disagree with the porn argument as I don't think it is a root problem at all (but I do get where you're coming from...). I think society is just so off-track with what we THINK will make us happy that we lose sight of the essential things we do need as well-balanced beings. If everybody knew (and had learned) how to truly listen to oneself, I think we would just realize that porn would no longer be needed... And the whole of society would probably be completely different from the one we now know.. -A woman-
ReplyDeleteAja,
ReplyDeleteI base my opinions on facts and data on not my general opinions based on my limited experience. Can you say that you have done the same here? Perhaps you are surrounded by men such as you have described and therefore have that vicarious experience. Vicarious, of course because you are happily married and this is in fact not your experience.
I encourage you to do more research, the first argument I question is the correlation that you attempt to make between porn and men's need or lack thereof to be in a relationship with a woman. You have made huge generalizations and assumptions, but are they based on fact and proven studies? Or are they based on your limited experience?
Aja, I love your music and I respect your opinions. I do however, think that some people might see this and take it as face value, or even as a fact. This can be harmful and misleading. Perhaps you might consider that it's irresponsible.
My intention is to encourage you to make powerful and researched points based on truth and logic.
I respect your perspective so much, mainly because I know it's coming from a well-intended place, and though opinions differ from person to person, I think the intention is what matters the most. That being said, I agree with some of the things you have to say. Many men are not seeking to settle down and commit early on, but saying it's due to pornography shifts the blame to an external source when it could be entirely internal. I think there are many external sources that have negatively affected men's perception of women, pornography being one, but every day media being another. The way women are portrayed is obviously unrealistic, and although a majority of the blame is on the media for putting these things out, shouldn't people (men and women included) have the ability to see past the guise of the men and women we see in media? You and I and many others can obviously pick apart the false portrayal of both men and women in the media, and so men who are allowing outside sources to scare them out of commitment should be able to do that as well. Men are surrounded by women, whether they are family, friends, coworkers, etc. and so they see the real women, not those in media, around them everyday. If a man considers that he is mentally and emotionally able to settle down and commit to a relationship, then I would hope that his mentality allows him to also see the lies in media. If he's well into adulthood and still truly fooled by the false images around him, then I don't think the problem lies within the media but within himself, and that issue would be there regardless of pornography or lack thereof.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you put up this blog post! It's nice to take a moment and think about these things, and exchange intellectual thoughts about such topics as important as these.
Anonymous animal hospital guy, That is an incredible point. I completely agree with you. Most of the women I know are going for the wrong men. For sure. Spot on.
ReplyDeleteA few people have said they feel I am generalizing. Yes. I am. I'm not blaming porn, I am opening a discussion about it all. I don't think it is harmful for me to have opinions, and you should know that I am flexible to change my opinions. we learn from each other.
ReplyDeletei love your points about the importance of women being honored and respected. and of course, there a certainly good men out there who deserve that exact same courtesy. pornography certainly does the opposite of that and it truly has become a problem, maybe more than any of us may realize. and i think it certainly dulls a person's image and perspective of a real woman/man. porn makes us out to be physical objects meant only to fulfill sexual desires and fantasies. it's not substantial or authentic in any way.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're saying is not wrong...in fact is correct. it is like a sad and frustrating epidemic. There is nothing worst than being with someone who doesnt really want you. And the bootycall is so common....dating has died out....romance had vanished.....I rather be alone if that's the case. As a woman in her 30's yes my clock is LOUD and the men want someone younger and the older guys dont want kids. So what to do? You do it alone and try to figure it out. Sad but at this rate the only option. I don't want to trap a man, I want him to be there. I won't play games cause I'm too emotionally fragile for it.
ReplyDeleteI was 25 when I met my 19 year old boyfriend. He, like most 19 year old boys, was into porn when we met but this didn't stop him wanting to date a real life woman. I don't personally like porn but I have learned that men and women perceive it VERY differently, women place way more emotional emphasis on it than men do. Women don't need such graphic images, we can get lost in a romantic fantasy of our own creation in our mind, but is that the same or different? Does that contribute to a dissatisfaction with men? Are we too, in this way, changing our expectations of men? Just a thought that came to me as I write this.
ReplyDeleteIt was the fact that there were no games that attracted me to him even more, if we wanted to call each other we just did, not overanalyse if we had waited the acceptable amount of time not to seem too keen etc. We have just celebrated 15 years together. There have been tough times along the way but that is expected as we grow as individuals and adjust as a couple. We cherish and respect each other and feel very needed, not for marriage or procreation purposes, but for all the wonderful things that being in a loving, committed relationship offer ... love, desire, companionship, friendship, support, connection, security, someone to share interests with (like going to a gig or snuggling on the sofa to watch a film), someone to travel the world with, the first person you call when you want to share good news or bad etc. We are best friends, lovers, family and we plan to grow old together but we are not married, neither of us feel marriage adds anything to a relationship (both our parents are divorced) our bond makes us choose, every day to be together. Not that I take anything away from marriage, for others it is a beautiful celebration of love and commitment, it's just not meaningful to us. I also never felt the 'ticking clock' as neither of us want children. Many people find it 'odd' that we've been together so long but aren't married and don't want children but we love our life just the way it is. I do not find your blog offensive at all but want to let you know that other dynamics do exist, we certainly don't fit this stereotype. Maybe it'll inspire hope because the picture you paint is very grim!
San X
Aja,
ReplyDeleteI love how you are not afraid to voice your opinion. You said everything I feel, but didn't say. This post brought up a lot for me and I'm sure so many other women and hopefully men. Thank you for doing that because the first step toward creating change is to begin by talking about it and becoming conscious of what needs to be changed. Sending you so much love right now.
-Sylvia
Aja,
ReplyDeleteI think that two statements you make at the beginning of your blog are so important. First you talk about how both yourself and Dan prioritize family. I think that is unfortunately, more and more, becoming a rare thing. The family is not the center of of many people's lives. In my job I work with young children and I see it every day. There are so many other things that society is pushing us to accept as being so important and the family is being left behind. The second and, I believe, most important statement in your blog, is where you talk about the fact that having a family takes so much work. It really does. When I look at people today we are being taught not to put in the work it takes. We very much live in a society of instant gratification. Children rarely wait for what they want. If they have a question to be answered they get the answer right away, with little work by asking google. If they hear a song they like, they are not saving their money and making a trip to their local store to get it, they can instantly download it. I see more and more that children are not able to plan and to wait for things and they do not learn to work hard to get what they really want. When they no longer want something it is often thrown away and replaced by something new and more exciting. Parents are not able to spend time with their children and therefore they try to make up for it by giving them things. They don't learn to value these things and when they no longer hold their appeal, or they become boring they throw them away. I truly believe this carries over into adult relationships. People are not willing to put in the time and the effort it takes to build a strong relationship. Once times get hard, instead of working through things the tendency is to discard the relationship and move on. People are not learning patience and they are not learning to work hard to get what they want. When one relationship is not making them happy they just move on to another. The new relationship will make them happy for a while but then they get bored with that and move on again. Eventually they may discover that these shallow relationships are never going to give them the joy they are seeking and that they desire a deeper relationship but as you said often times that is after later in life when a family may no longer be possible. I am not saying that you need to have children in order to have a fulfilled life. In fact, if you know that children are not something you value I believe it is better to be upfront about that rather than to have children to fulfill a need in someone else or to fit into a standard. Children are precious gifts and deserve to be the center of their parent's world. I do think that no matter what, a strong and fulfilling relationship will take work, and that one of the most important lessons we can teach our children and ourselves is that the work, time and effort are so worth it.
I love that you put yourself and your opinions out there with the willingness to hear others. I wish all the best to you and your beautiful family!
-Kelly
Aja,
ReplyDeleteSorry to add to an already too long reply but there is one more thing I feel is adding greatly to the trend you are seeing. As mentioned above I spend my day with 4, 5, and 6 year old children. I live in Canada, but I am sure things are similar in the U.S. and I am shocked by the number of preschool children who tell me they have T.V.'s in their bedrooms. I even had a 5 year old tell me that for Christmas she got a fridge for her bedroom. Many of these children are spending their time at home in front of the TV, the computer, their iPads…. Other children spend their entire evenings and weekends going from lesson to lesson. Very few have opportunities to sit together as a family at dinner time. I have no judgement for any of these parents as I know how busy our lives are today and I truly believe that every person is doing the best they know how to do. I know that parenting is such a difficult job and that I question the decisions I make daily. The end result is that we have a generation of children who do not know how to engage in meaningful conversations. I spend a good part of my day trying to teach children the art of conversation. When you do not know how to share yourself with another through conversation you may feel the only way to be intimate with another person is through sex and therefore the midnight booty call becomes more prominent as a way to connect with others. The truly vulnerable intimacy of exposing who you are through conversation and sharing your innermost thoughts with another is a skill that is being lost. When I look at the people I want my own children to be and the kind of deep relationships I hope they are able to have as they grow, I know that I need to teach them to open themselves up to others. I need to teach them that it is okay to disagree and that the only way we can truly know another person is to ask the hard questions and examine issues together. Society portrays sex as the best way to connect and be intimate with each other. We need to teach our children how to share themselves with others on a level that goes far beyond one that can be achieved through a solely sexual relationship.
Aja,
ReplyDeleteI find your view really refreshing and I share a lot of it. It's so good to hear that a successful, free spirited woman appreciates and values what it is to be a strong female without being belligerent and overbearing about it. The family is everything to any society and it is attacked from all sides, including pornography and selfish singleness. I say this as a single 34 year old who is very happy with my life. I hope that your family stays strong with everything you have going. It's inspiring. I love to see that you and Dan cherish each other and your relationship with each other and your daughter. We need more strong examples of family.
As a person who's naturally single, I watch the relationships around me with a little fascination- I guess because I'm the absolute opposite of the female nature that you've described so maybe my take is a little skewed. What I see around me- and my view is heavily Los Angeles influenced- are folks focused on being and becoming. Becoming something, being anything. The next great director, the next amazing chef, the most brilliant lawyer, the next Vin Diesel...whatever it is that establishes them as something and somebody in this environment of "Who are you and what do you do?" These days our identities are almost as important as how much money we have in the bank to a point that relationshipping (not really a word but for this conversation it's awesome) at a level that requires more depth than gratuitous giving and loving (booty calls, friends with benefits and such) just isn't the priority that it used to be. And it's not just a man thing: the ladies have got goals and dreams, too; problem is everyone has to work 3 times as hard in order to make just one of those dreams come true. It's a bit selfish, yes, but it's also one of our basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy for a reason. Yes, so is love but a romantic love for another rarely succeeds minus that important love for yourself. Currently I think we're all living in the "Age of Me" and it has a very real effect on relationships and love and simply how we treat one another.
ReplyDeleteI'm bummed. I've been waiting a year for a new blog post and then when you finally write one, you take it down. Please write another one soon!
ReplyDelete
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