Grow.

I tend to burry my nose in news at times. It can be a hard thing to have a sense of global awareness because once you start looking at the worlds issues it seems like its a never ending abyss of darkness. Its crazy to think that every person has a different reality. almost 8 billion people in this world and not one story is the same. When I was growing up, my mom would tell me how lucky I was. That there were children all over the world starving. That bad things were happening. I happened to be born into a safe environment with parents who would love and protect me. I had food. A warm bed…. How quickly I learned to take that for granted. I was sneaking around doing stupid stuff with my friends, obsessing about how skinny or chubby I was getting. Drinking and doing whatever else that represented rebellion or freedom at a young age. It was so easy for me to unplug my brain and pretend that my problems were important. Thats what teenagers do right? Magnify mini dramas. My mom would say… "Aja you think you are a spectacle, but nobody really cares what you wear ." I remember thinking how "mean" I thought that was of her to say. Hahaha. Embarrassing to think back on. But all a part of growing up. Then slowly its as if consciousness started to seep in. As I grew older I could see myself more clearly, and then I started to explore my relationship with the world. With others. Everything became a game. How can I treat people? How do people treat me? How do I let others effect my mind? Why are my emotions unstable? What can I do to have more control over my emotions and my mind? What is "good"? I want to be "good" because I know that "bad" feels yucky. How can I be good? How will the world respond to me if I am good? How can I be better? How good can I be? Can I actually get rid of my selfish tendencies and my ego? Man I could go on for days… I went to work. And hope was blossoming inside of me. I was looking at the world through different lenses. I made a bunch of vision boards. Big cardboard collages of the things I wanted to attract into my life. Every time I got stuck, or lost, or afraid of the future, I made a vision board. I convinced others to make them too. I really did (and truly do) believe that if you want things to happen in life you have to visualize them and say what you want out loud. After years of vision boards my life started to change. First there were subtle shifts. And then it happened rapidly. I noticed that every transition point had a crossroad. Right before a major shift happened I had to chose a path. One of them was scary and exciting and unpredictable, and one path was safe and obvious and almost complacent. At every crossroads it seemed I was going to make someone uncomfortable. There would be people in my life used to the way things had always been. They had adjusted to a comfortable and predictable me. If I was going to rock that boat, someone would be upset with me. I found that as long as I followed that honest voice in my heart. The one that said "I really want to go down this path" My life would progress beautifully. A lot of times the transition points were horrific. I felt as though I was responsible for other peoples feelings. You know I learned that as long as my integrity was in tact, I would be okay. I definitely made some pretty serious mistakes at times. How I handled situations was less than perfect. I am only human though, and that means I have to practice forgiveness as well. Cant go around hating myself for things that happened in the past. I can however try to do more "good" in the world then "bad". And make right where I have wronged. I know this seems like a rant. And thats probably what it is. But I just want to say that as I sit and pay attention to the news and the world, I have a choice. I can either keep challenging myself to be better. To think bigger, to be more brave. I can treat the world with kindness and love and work hard to help those in need. I can be a good listener, and not be afraid to hug someone or touch their shoulder with care, I can smile more often. I can look at whats happening in the world and allow it to soften my heart so that I share it with others or think of ways to help. I can be conscious enough to not express anger to a common stranger over petty road rage or waiting in line at the post office. I can choose to educate myself, and challenge my spiritual thoughts, or lack there of.I can ask big questions and seek out the answers. I can create, I can invent, I can grow....

Or I can stay right here. Stagnant but safe. A little hurt by the things I have done, and bruised by the things that have been done to me. I can not pay attention to others, and not worry about what "good" or "bad" is. Not worry about a global consciousness. Not worry about what I am doing here or how I got here. I can not feel overwhelmed by what is. I can live inside of a small yet comfortable space where only a few people exist and feel really safe.

Sometimes the second option sounds good. So much less work. Almost like a vacation from thought.
I get it. I get why so many people stay in that space. Aside from the fact that its a privilege to not have to care, Its just easy.

Dont do it. Expand yourself. Grow.

Thanks for reading.
Love Aja